Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
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