Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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