if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
i think i just lost a toe
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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