don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
cat food counts as protein by the way
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
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