i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
