Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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