its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
