She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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