Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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