one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize