I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
