I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
