There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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