Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
