6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
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