in my opinion joe jonas is kinda pointless. hes just the pretty boy front runner.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
