why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
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