Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
