God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Randomize