he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I intend to get homeless drunk
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
