Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
