I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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