I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
