end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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