when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
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