I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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