I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Randomize
