i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
