I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
