Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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