i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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