I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Randomize
