could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
that is very illegal...i love you.
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