apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
