Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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