Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Randomize
