I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
