I faked an abortion last night.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
