ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Randomize
