I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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