Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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