The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Randomize
