Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
