2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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