I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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