What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Randomize
