Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Randomize
