I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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