I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Randomize
