Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
