Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Randomize
