Moan for me like Helen Keller
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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