great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
