Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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