Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
