It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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