theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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