Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
